Tours of Duty (Free) + An Interview with Melange LaVonne

My book proposal is (to cite Laguna Beach) "done-zo," and yet I find myself careening towards many more tasks and much administrative insanity. I won't bore with the minutiae of the Inland Emperor's day job, but before I launch into my exclusive tete-a-tete with the up-and-coming I.E. based hip-hop diva, Melange Lavonne (pictured on the left and featured in the 2007 Homo Revolution Hip-Hop Tour, the first of its kind), allow me to list some of my own "tour dates" for upcoming talks in flourescent-lit rooms near you. Friends in these spots shoot me an email! Can't wait to see you:

March 1 - Cerritos College, on a guest panel about "Gender and Hip-Hop"
March 13 - University of Illinois, Urbana Champaign, invited talk, "Contact, Creativity and Klub Fantasy" for Asian-American Studies, Latino/a Studies, Department of English and Gender and Women's Studies
March 24 - Swarthmore College, Sager Symposium Keynote on "Love Among the Ruins: Butch Intimacies in the Wake of Gentrification"
April 6 - UC Riverside, Disjunctions Conference Keynote on "Inland Emperors"
April 13 - New York University, "After CBGB, Now What?: Gender, Sexuality and the Future of Subculture," invited panelist, sponsored by NYU Performance Studies and CGSG, organized by Tavia Nyong'o
April 20 - EMP Pop Music Conference, Seattle, WA, panel on "Suburban Soundscapes" with CBB, AV, PJA
May 12 - UC Santa Cruz, "Historicism, Homonormativity and Queer Political Formations" Conference Keynote (other keynotes are Marcia Ochoa, Jasbir Puar and Lisa Duggan), on "Relocations: Queer of Color Suburban Imaginaries."
July 26-29 - New Orleans, Association for Theater in Higher Education Conference, invited panel with Jennifer Devere Brody and Ramon Rivera-Servera.

And now on with the show...
I first saw Melange Lavonne perform at this year's FUSION fest at Barnsdall art park, and I was immediately struck by her skills, smooth rhymes, and (from afar) her uncanny resemblance to Halle Berry gone Inland gansta. She spit the crowd to its feet, and despite all the hype around the night's headliner, Deadlee (one of her tourmates on the 2007 Homo Revolution Tour) Ms. Melange stole the show. As her chosen stage name suggests, Melange is a "motley assortment of things; a mixture, a medley"--a badass with game, an artist with attitude, yet an approachable sweetheart with a folksy fondness for where she's from. She's raunchy, yet devout. She's got the profile of a player, but the heart of a real homebody.

Mel, as she signs her own name, is also a survivor. Not in the "glamour camo" Destiny's Child sort of way, although she could very well pull that vibe off if she wanted. Mel's not only had to fight the predictable scourges of sexism, homophobia and racism in the music industry (and let's face it, in this wide world of ours), but she's also battled several types of cancer since childhood. We chatted about all this and more over a series of genial IM chats and emails, since neither of us were willing to brave that traffic on the 60, East or West.

KT: Recently “Entertainment Weekly” made a fuss about the fact that female MC’s, rappers and producers (Li’l Kim, Missy, even Latifah back in the day) are being eclipsed by the Male Rapper/Female R&B singer collaboration. In other words, “the woman’s role” in hip-hop has been "reduced" to providing the “melody” and “hook” to a piece whereas hip-hop “cred,” “heft” and authenticity is attributed to men. Of course we can imagine several things wrong with that formulation (I mean, give artists like Ciara proppers for how they make or break a song), but I wanted to run it by you and see what you think. How do you see yourself confronting these assumptions as you make your own music? Or do you have other comments about the record industry and pop charts writ large?

ML: The pop charts, the music charts, billboard, etc., are all media outlets that favor the Major Record label artist. If you have the payola to get your spins on the radio, then you get your soundscan credit, your awards, your recognition and so forth. Radio involves politics, it's sad, but true. Half the songs you hear on urban radio stations are just plain talentless. And to hear them over and over again brainwashes folks to think they're hits. We don't have much to choose from if they only play 20-25 songs everyday, for weeks if not months in rotation, right? Hmmm... who will make the #1 song this week, the rapper who is rapping about big booty hoes and his car sitting on 25 inch rims, or the rapper who is rapping about big booty hoes and his weed stash being bigger than mini-me? How many ways can you rap about the same things over and over again?!? It gets monotanous. And the winner is...the rapper who you can't understand but whose beat you love because it came from the a well-known producer. Welcome to the music industry. I try not to cater my art to that mentality. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I have a natural gift for singing an R&B melody. I'm a rapper. Period.

KT: That said, what is your own “process” as an artist, songwriter, producer and performer? How do you develop your poignant political content? Do you have your hand in everything, or do you have any collaborators who are crucial to that process? Also, who ultimately decides on your “image presentation” and what are your goals within (or outside of "the industry")? Do you have any concerns about being pigeon-holed as "just" a queer hip-hop artist?

ML: As an artist it is my responsibility to speak on the facts when I choose to mention social and political issues in my music. That means I read before I open my mouth. I research these issues, and then from there I base my lyrics on the history and the personal stories, and incorporate them with my own opinions and beliefs. My friend and mentor, Bobby King is my producer. He allows me to be creative as an artist and I do the same for him, I think. I write all my lyrics. I wouldn't have it any other way because I'm inviting you into my mind for a few minutes! Ultimately, when it comes to my "image," I'm my own decision maker. I do listen to other opinions and ideas, but ultimately I have to make the decision at the end of the day about where I want to go with this and what will come from it. I have staff behind me so I also consider what's in their best interest, as well as what would make it beneficial for them...To have longevity in this industry is to have a great staff of people behind you & working the scene in front. I am just one of the pieces to the "success puzzle" that we're all trying to put together. As for being pigeon-holed...I don't believe in "just" being a queer hip-hop artist, only because I don't believe there is such a thing as queer hip-hop. There isn't white hip-hop, or black hip-hop, or female hip-hop. Hip-hop is hip-hop. And although I know that might not seem the most convincing to people who believe everything has to be categorized (unfortunately), I do believe I can hold my own regardless of where and in what scene I happen to end up.

KT: OK...so you say that you don’t believe in categorizing hip-hop (as either female, queer, white or black), yet you’re touring as part of what promises to be a historical event—the first regional homo-hip-hop tour with multiple artists. I know this has to do with marketing and the industry, but what other benefits are there to being a part of this kind of line-up? Does it make touring easier for you as a queer woman to be a part of a crew that “understands” your desires and your politics? Have any of the artists you’re touring with inspired or influenced some of your own work?

ML: You're right! I am part of a tour called Homo-Revolution, and my belief is that I think it will be a good way to get my music out there to LGBT Venues. More than anything, it allows music listeners to have an option about what kind of hip-hop they can relate too. I can't relate to so-called hip-hop music about Bentley's and platinum jewelry. Hell, I didnt even know what a Bentley was until Puff Daddy (not PDiddy, because I'm tired of him changing names as quickly as he rotates artists in and out of his label) kept mentioning them in his songs. But the problem that I have with only appealing to queer audiences is that once we categorize ourselves as "queer hip-hop," we limit ourselves and our message to that category. When I win a Grammy, I don't want to win a "Best Homo-Grammy." I hope that makes sense. As for the practical aspects of it...yeah, it's much easier touring in the gay circuit because the support is automatically there (although not all the time, which has to do with race, class, etc.). Some Gays and Lesbians can relate to some of the issues you rap about, but then again some of them don't. I would have to say every single artist on this tour has inspired me due to the fact that they have been dedicated to their work and open about everything

KT: Since we're on the topic of broadening your fan base, how do you see your audience shaping up? Since you’ve been out you’ve probably acquired a ton of female fans. What’s it like handling that kind of fandom, and does it ever get too intense or creepy because the lesbian community feels like it has “ownership” over you?

ML: Actually, this kind of relates to the point I was trying to make about not being "pigeon-holed" into one scene. The reality of it is that my fans are not only gay and lesbian--I have a lot of straight fans, ha ha! I recently performed at a straight club with gangsters. I mean literally men with guns at their hips. I spit and gained respect from them. It's obvious I'm a lesbian, but open people respect someone who has heart and love for what they do and the truth they speak. I was asked to come back and perform at their venue again. No one owns me, and if they think they do, then someone told them wrong. I represent people of all colors gay or straight. I represent equality and won't divide my fans into groups. Just because I speak on certain issues, doesn't mean I want to omit a certain group of people from getting to know me. If I did that I would be excluding my father, my mother, my coworkers, and friends. There are as many things in the so-called "gay community" that I don't agree with as much as from the "straight community."

KT: So you mention your mother, father, coworkers and friends, many of whom (I presume) are based in the I.E. Let's talk a little bit about "place" and where these communities collide and coalesce. In your bio it says that you retreated from the false promises of the Hollywood and urban music scenes to go back to the I.E. so you could make your music in the place you feel “at home" and true to yourself. What regional influences or regional tastes do you imagine reflected in your music? What social, political, cultural, class, gender or race issues do you see your work confronting from the vantage point of an “Inland Emperor” or “Inland Empress” (whichever you prefer)?

ML: Living in the I.E., where I grew up, has helped me become a more diverse artist and person as a whole. There are so many different cultures out here and ways of living. Most people don't realize the suburbs aren't just white, but there are many ethnicities co-existing together. Also, I think people become united across class lines here, and in the Inland Empire you can sometimes see class unity regardless of race. Society always seems to want to find scapegoats based on class, religion, sexuality, race, or even political party, and it's unfortunate that people won't give up that pursuit of power over others. As for why I went back [to the I.E.]: I had to get out of Hollywood because everyone from the world landed in that city to pursue a dream. I was one of many. Then I though...if I want to start a buzz and make a statement, why not start with my hometown and then work my way out? I have to admit, I've also faced a few barriers living out here, like the lack of hip-hop support and functions to perform at. Actually, I love performing my song "The Game" in front of crowds in other places who base their social status on how much money, jewelry, or what kind of expensive car a rapper has. When I perform that song in the I.E. I always get a positive reaction. People in the I.E. aren't in Hollywood and can't relate to million dollar budgets or dropping hundreds of dollars on champagne at clubs.

KT: Really quickly, where have you performed in the I.E. despite the lack of venues? (Take note, dear readers--and book a show today!)

ML: I've performed at special events, sometimes monthly events at places like Carlos O'Briens, Incahoots, and other venues that would hold hip-hop competitions. These days my time is mostly consumed in the studio in Palm Springs every weekend.

KT: I remember pre-prom happy hours at Carlos O'Brien's. Ah the Riverside Plaza...But before I lose myself in reminiscence, let's get back to the gender politics of hip-hop, shall we? What's the worst thing you’ve ever confronted from someone in the hip-hop community in response to your gender and/or sexuality?

ML: The worst thing I've ever had to confront (and I was also responsible for this) was hiding who I was for the sake of a major label deal. Being a woman in the industry is challenging, and a lot of men assume that because you're a woman, you're weak and submissive. They think they should dominate the situation and make the decisions for you instead of you having a team working together. That's why I prefer to work as a team now.

KT: Which brings us to some of your new stuff and your thematic confrontations with homophobia. The song and soon to be shot video, “Gay Bash” is a powerful response to homophobia. You mentioned somewhere that the story of Matthew Shepard was an inspiration. What do you think of the fact that other stories of say women of color and transexuals of color don’t often get the same media attention as assaults on gay white men? This is not to say that one hate crime is any worse than another. It’s more a commentary on the way the media (and the classes/races/sexualities in power) shape the cultural and political landscape. What are your thoughts about this?

ML: I agree that, unfortunately, LGBT's of color do not get the same media attention. One of the most publicized and well known gay bashing stories across the nation was Matthew Shepard's death. He was described as an all American student. My song "Gay Bash" though is actually based on all those who have suffered discrimination with the end result being death, and I knew the only way the mainstream LGBT and straight communities would take notice of the message is for me to give it a familiar face. I do think there is biased, racist thinking within the LGBT community itself, which is why its important to discuss these issues and bring up the whole range of possible arguments. I am guilty of contributing perhaps, by making a commercialized "Gay song" alluding to the Matthew Shephard story, but the idea is to get media attention for this violence before (and not only after) these events occur. This opens doors to being able to address the deeper underlying problems we have within the queer community.

KT: I don't want to take a turn towards the morbid, but you do bring up a good point about the range of different confrontations, struggles and mechanisms of survival that you engage in your own music. This is a bit of a personal question, and it comes in response to your bio that reveals your stories of “survival,” and of battling cancer in particular. First of all, do you mind revealing a little more about what specific battles you had to face? How do you see this struggle informing your work or your outlook on being a performer?

ML: I had Hodgkin's disease at 12 years old when my grandmother was dying of breast cancer. Cancer was something that shaped my personality and beliefs in God. I grew closer to him and developed a personal relationship with him that I never thought would exist. So when people tell me that God doesn't accept my lifestyle it's actually laughable. They arent invited into my relationship with him so how could they possibly know the conversations God and I have? That's like someone telling me my Mother hates me, but I talk to my Mother everyday and I know she doesn't. I am going through another obstacle with the cancer I was just diagnosed with, I don't know much about it since there are only 22 cases worldwide. So treatment options at this point aren't known. I'm in the process of getting second opinions. I incorporate my survival into my music by trying to relay the positive outlook instead of the negatives in life. Look....life is short, and I could die tomorrow in a car accident. We have to make the best of what is handed to us. I actually started writing when I was diagnosed with cancer at 12 years old. I began to write my thoughts down, which turned into poetry. It wasn't until I met my best friend Kaelon Kroft that I started formatting my words into songs and lyrics. I don't sing. I wish I could, but rapping is the way I articulate the range of my feelings in 3 or 4 minutes, or however long a song lasts. It's a gift to address subjects and get my point across in a rap song, especially in person. Sometimes I can't actually get out what I want to say in person because I've always had a problem with proper diction and on the spot answers! I'm not the greatest MC, but I want to be the best MC I can possibly be. Michael Jordan never stopped practicing free throws, Tiger woods never stops practicing his swing, and Bush never stops practicing his lies, so there you go...

KT: On that last humorous note...let's have a little rapid fire fun with this, shall we? Here's a little something for "the fans" out there.

Boxers, Briefs, Thongs or Commando?

ML: Briefs

KT: Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson?

ML: Jennifer Hudson

KT: Would you ever audition for American Idol, and what do you think of the show?

ML: I never would. And I've never even watched the show

KT: If you could meet one “hero” dead or alive, who would it be?

ML: Martin Luther King

KT: Which L-Word character would you be? Or do you hate the show?

ML: Don't hate it but don't watch it.

KT: If you could collaborate with any pop or R&B female singer out there, who would it be?

ML: Jill Scott

KT: What’s your favorite rock band?

ML: Tears for Fears [kt makes rock horns in dorkily enthusiastic response]

KT: Justin Timberlake or Michael Jackson?

ML: Michael Jackson

KT: Commitment or non-monogamy?

ML: Commitment and monogamy, if not married.

KT: Riverside or San Bernardino?

ML: Riverside [kt's rockhorns, round two!]

KT: SUV or Hybrid?

ML: Hybrid

See Melange LaVonne as part of the 2007 Homo Revolution tour:

3/29/07 - San Diego, CA **Opening Night**
The Brass Rail
3796 5th Ave
San Diego, California 92103
8 PM, 21+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Soce The Elemental Wizard, Delacruz, MC FLOW,
Melange Lavonne, Bigg Nugg, JFP, QBoy, Mz. Fontaine, Foxxjazell, DJ Jeffa, & Shorty Roc

3/30/07 - Los Angeles, CA
El Cid
4212 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, California 90029 (Silverlake)
10:00 PM, 18+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Soce The Elemental Wizard, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, Salvimex, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Bigg Nugg, Foxjazell, & JFP

3/31/07 - Las Vegas, NV
Gipsy Nightclub
4633 Paradise Rd.
Las Vegas, Nevada 89109
10:00 PM, 21+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Salvimex, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

4/01/07 - Phoenix, AZ
Plazma
1560 E. Osborn Rd.
Phoenix, AZ
8 PM, 21+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Salvimex, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

4/02/07 - Albuquerque, NM
Out ch'Yonda Theater Space
929 4th Street SW
Albuquerque, NM 87101
7 PM, ALL AGES/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Salvimex, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

4/03/07 - El Paso, TX
Fat Mary's Martini Bar and Grill
8635 Dyer
El Paso, Texas 79904
8 PM, 21+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

4/05/07 - San Antonio, TX
The Saint Showbar
1430 N. Main Ave
San Antonio, Texas 78212
8 PM, $10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

4/06/07 - Houston, TX
Club Dignity Bar and Grill
127 Scott Street
Houston, TX
9 PM, 18+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

4/07/07 - Austin. TX
Victory Grill
1104 E 11th St
Austin, TX 78702
8 PM, 18+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

4/08/07 - Dallas, TX
The Brick
4117 Maple Ave.
Dallas, TX
8 PM, 18+/$10
Line Up: Deadlee, Johnny Dangerous, Delacruz, Tori Fixx, QBoy, Melange Lavonne, Mz. Fontaine, Bigg Nugg, JFP, & Foxxjazell

Welcome to the Dollhouse: Inland Barbies

Sorry homies, the emperor is still caught in the schoolio grind (as nasty as Eric Nies's). But for your amusement and discussion, here's a little sumptin' sumptin' I picked up on myspace courtesy of my Ramona Ram sistahs (Kim '91, and J-Sto '92).



"Rancho Cucamonga Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Victoria Gardens . She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.







"Pomona Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.








"Chino Hills Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.








"Fontucky Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.








"Hesperia Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Fontucky Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.








"Claremont Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. These Barbies love to hang out with included protest banners on Arrow and Indian Hill.








"San Bernardino Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


And the best for last....

More Riversidiana

Now I'm becoming wanton with the quickie posts.

I promise heartier chat and chew if and-or-when the early semester onslaught ever abates. All the time spent on youtube gathering clips for my Gender Studies arena shows--they more accurately capture the scale and spectacle of Celine's weekly gigs at her custom-built Caesar's "Colliseum"--has yielded some fine footage from my home-o-town.

Below:
1. a local cable ad for Taco Station, a classic-car themed Mexican joint (I must make a pit stop during my next visit).

2. a promotional vid for UC Riverside's Delta Sigma Pi, what looks to be a co-ed fraternity/sorority for business minded AZN's (skip through the first minute of text to get to the pictures)

3. a girls softball video of a championship hitting squad, scored to a schlocky country-rock song about home runs and obviously edited by a proud parent. In fact this (the RGSA) was the league I played in as a kid.

Enjoy.

Media Alert: Inland Valley News Features

You gotta see these for yourselves. The first is a news feature about the Mission Inn's holiday "festival of lights" with an awkward "mute elmo" moment. The newscaster, Janet May, is ubiquitous on youtube with lots of little featurettes on the 5 block radius that comprises "the cute part" of downtown Riverside. Apparently she covers the Riv beat for a show called Inland Valley News. I'm not sure where IVN airs--likely local cable or public access.

The second clip, also from IVN, features Gram's Mission BBQ. The newscaster who shares the beat with Janet May, "Bill," looks and behaves like a high school geometry teacher. I find these vignettes wonderfully anachronistic, and slightly empty and creepy.

Media Alert: L.A. Times hearts UCR + Student Blog Links

Bear in a Highlander outfit! OK folks. I'm gonna try to force myself to work with short form here as other "true bloggers" do, and post a few links to keep y'all amused until my next dispatch from Inlandia. In fact, the next installment is most likely to be a brief review of the new anthology of writing from and about the smogtastic empire called Inlandia, edited by Gayle Wattawa. For those of you still waiting for a review of Laura Dern's twitchy half-lit face in David Lynch's Inland Empire, you're going to have to wait, since I can't quite motivate to see it. The guys in bunny-suit heads--yes, just the heads--are throwing me off. (For the curiosa, a trailer is embeded in a comment on one of my previous posts, "Show Me the Mizithra" thanks to the original mediashepherd and a former HighlanderBear himself, Alex W).

I also want at some point (apropos last week's "Valet of the Dolls" post on the L-Word) to address Alice's search for "papi" pronounced in true white grrrl fashion like "Pappy" of Poopdeck fame. Alice winds her way through the seedy, travesti and drag king infested clubs, dive bars and taquerias of what seem to be Echo Park or East L.A., or whatever their equivalents are in Vancouver. Lots of neon palm trees, and oh-so Jack Twist in "Brokeback." But I digress...

MEDIA ALERT: Actually, the Kangagi alerted me to this news item, since I've been too busy workin' workin' day and night. The venerable "Los Angeles Times" published an article on MLK day about UC Riverside as the choice institution for many Latino and Black students in California. Here's their lead, and the link (just click on the title):

For many minorities, UC Riverside is the campus of choice -
By Richard C. Paddock, Times Staff Writer
January 15, 2007
When it was time for Woodrow Curry to decide where to go to university, he had several choices. An African American with good high school grades and test scores, he was accepted by UC Berkeley, among other schools.

But Berkeley is not where he ended up. Spurning one of the nation's premier public universities, he picked UC Riverside. Although Riverside is sometimes scorned as the lowliest of UC campuses, it offered Curry something that Berkeley did not: a place where he felt welcome.

Lots to say about this piece and its tone, and lots of love to spread to the folks I know at UCR who make it such an amazing, if ridiculously underappreciated institution. But I'll refrain for now. On to more links...

In the vein of letting others do the talking/blogging, I've assigned "blog reading journals" to my students in the undergrad English seminar I'm teaching this semester on "Race and Sexuality in the Suburbs." Thus far they've been great fun. Here are links to some of the more loquacious of the bunch.

The Boy from Glendale
Nuclear Sluts Have Thoughts Too
Victor's Tree of Knowledge
Uffish Thoughts
The Sexy Suburbs
Rhuminations
Confessions of a Token

And finally, another Riv-uh-saiiiiiid! shout-out to my Inland Empress sistah, J-Sto. She's going to do the hetero thing and get married, even though I always thought she'd pull a Charlize or Brangelina and wait until "everyone who wants to marry in this country can." Keep your eyes peeled in Riverside's very own "Press Enterprise" for the announcement. I'll be the big lezzie "bridesman" wearing "summer formal" seersucker. Above is a preview of the bridezilla-to-be rocking the mic with Starship's "WE BUILT THIS CITY" at Virgil Village's Smog Cutter. (Let's hope she doesn't retaliate with any Sierra Middle School yearbooks of shame).

Valet of the Dolls

Many sighs as the semester is once again in full swing-a-ling and gaycation time is definitively ovah. Sooo ovah. Despite the promise of a long MLK weekend that may have included some respite and recovery, I've actually committed the extra time to the labor of "keeping it all together": writing letters of rec, grading qualifying exams, finishing sundry proposals for intiatives and conferences, getting a jump on Gender Studies lectures, basically zenyata bureaucrata. But I'll take a few stolen moments to prattle off a reminiscence about one of our most recent adventures, before succumbing to a little Tivoliciousness (a catch-up marathon of The Hills, season 1, which I'll simply file under "suburban-to-urban migration" research).

Last Hurrah. Last Sunday, Jaunary 7. L-Word Season 4 Premiere nite.
As usual The Trolls were our companions in off-white-collar crime. (Fagulous fact no. 275: P.O.C.'s have more issues with "ring around the collar" because of the extra melanin enfolded in that region, not just because we're inherently dirty). We chose a very het-normy moderne restaurant/bar near Universal Studios called minibar (yes, all lower case) to launch the first of our L Word luvvitandhateitandwanttoeatit celebrations. We couldn't resist the Prix-Fixe menu of multiple tapas + wine--enough for two peeps--at $40 bucks per pair, so we pulled up and parked valet courtesy of a company called, you guessed it, "Valet of the Dolls." A friendly wizened Brit lady with a Lady of Shallot mane handled our car before we ultimately soaked ourselves in "free" prosecco and a cheap chenin blanc with overtones of cat pee. What the heck, it was only 20 bucks a person WITH FOOD!!! Plus our chow came in trendy, airline-style compartments, only ours were ceramic instead of plastic. As a wee immigrant Inland brat, I thought TV dinners were awesomely space-age, so needless to say, I was instantly seduced by minibar's presentation. The cute factor wasn't enough to make up for the overcooked tri-tip and mushy everything else (except for the truly tasty gouda croquettes). Hungry Man, if you cook it right, is way more sekshual and satisfying. The food would've been yummier at The Sire in the Riv, the place we always said our RHS principal had martini lunches. $3 happy hour shrimp cocktail! But darnholio, we weren't in the I.E. Instead we were on the cusp of L.A. propers and "The Valley" (San Fernando, not San Gabriel). And those Valley folks have acquired some chi-chi airs in the time since the proliferation of Humphrey Yogarts and a young Nic Cage starred in a little flick called "Valley Girl." Now the Valley is actively competing for style points with the hipster infested enclaves radiating outward from the overgentrified, overpriced east side in which I currently reside as a bona-fide creative classer with a shitload of student loans. But back to the Valley. Ah...to be once derided and now rehabbed. I wonder if the Inland Valley will become another, exurban version of the San Fernando Valley in our lifetimes? Probably. As the Raquefella said though--there was something about minibar that felt a little NYC 2001.

I took a couple of smoke breaks and chatted with our Valet of the Dolls, who informed me that minibar has a new female manager with "hot entrepreneurial" ideas. They bought out the adjacent space next door, and it's already been swathed in mid-century textures as the establishment awaits a "dancing license." (To the left to the left--"big eyed child" portraiture meets Deneuve in a Barbarella parlor at minibar). Surely it'll be a hopping het singles joint by summertime, the busiest season according to our V.o.D. Most Sundays (like ours) were pretty empty, she confessed. What little company there was in minibar (with the exception of a sullen group of aging boy-girl-boy-girl Gen X'ers), were tres adorable, especially the cuddly bargain-hunting older couple in their late 60's/early 70's chowing away on the same rubbery tri-tip we barely managed, sans partials mind you, to gnaw through ourselves.

We parted ways with our V.o.D and battlestar gerriatriaca in the dining room, thinking we were on our way home to digest and cuddle in homonormy couplets for a quiet screening of "living laughing, loving, breathing...sucking, fucking, puking, wheezing," but we were slightly sauced and wanted to get rowd-ay....So fugggit...we decided to go to a real L Word event!!! Car veers off 101 at the Hollywood Blvd exit. Frantic search for parking. Long-ass line of whack hairdos at the The Falcon, Linda and Michelle of Fuse fame's "in-season" Sunday nite soiree for L-Words, some of whom need the social crutch of a big TV blaring in the background to avoid awkward social encounters. [raising hand] That would be me. Luckily our pal StuntJess--think Christopher Atkins in "Blue Lagoon"--worked her scenester magic and pulled the four of us in, past the long line of pissy minges with murder in their eyes (ask a Brit what "minge" means. It's grody).

In retrospect, I regret not dashing over to the event down the street from minibar at Universal Citywalk for some deep Valley research. I only found out after the fact that the HRC-sponsored event at Citywalk featured special guest appearances by Cybill Shepherd (who plays the lesbo-lusting post-hetero Vice Chancellor of a "USC-like private university" according to LN), and Kate Moenning, the scrawny andro-heartthrob known simply as "Shane." Instead we settled for a swarm of knock-off Shanes at the Falcon, some of whom we know, some of whom we like. The tapas didn't sit well with Mr. Trollito, who had a frantic P.o.t.B. sitch in the overcrowded bathroom which she fled without the proper time to wash her hands, hence the "limeade" scrub at the bar. The Falcon was stuffed to the gills with gals, some of whom rolled up in Hummer limos with their shaggalicious (NOT in the Brit sense) posses. By the time the clock struck 10, e'rrrrrybody in the club was tipsy, and many of the mop-tops were too drunky-pooh to process the clumsily intricate season opener, which included a fracas between Shane and Carmen's East L.A. "homeboy cousins":

Homeboy Cousin: Just leaaaaaaave Shane. Carmen doesn't want to see you.
[Shane stumbles back to beemer in coked out haze]

We were pretty toasty ourselves. Bad idea to top off prosecco and cat pee vin with Makers Manhattans and Amstels. But I had fun playing "loud drunk guy yelling at the screen," a role usually reserved for the Troll Mister. At one point I bellowed: "Shut up, Tina. You're just a stupid hasbian!!! Hasbian!!!" Clever clever. In the end we had to rewatch the episode when we rolled home, all the while compensating for our tapas-sized portions by gnawing on survival-stash beef jerky, mortadella slices, cheeze squares and TJ's Triscuits, but not before we managed to slip out on our last booze tab. See, the folks at The Falcon had it coming. The rude Hollywood gay male waiters were way too bitchy about serving a place packed with lezzies, even glamorosa lezzies of the razor shag Cheap Monday variety who were shelling out fistfulls of Jacksons to "dine" at the Falcon for a spot in front of the TV. Next time we really gotta rock it with the Hungry Man. I guess our churlish sip and ditch was in honor of our L-word sistahs who live, laugh, love, breathe (enter Betty's "Batman" guitars). Sometimes crime does pay.

Show Me the Mizithra

After a moment of silence during the holidaze (due in no small part to the obscene quantities of prime rib, turtles and pancetta roasted brussel sprouts I've been shoving down my gullet courtesy of the parentals and the Kangagi's sistah, oh sistah), the Emperor is back to report on our naughty and nice pre-Xmas gaycation with Mr. and Mrs. Trollito in the I.E. Despite the frigid, windy temps--we're talking frozen desert hearts here folks--'twas truly H-O-T-T-T.

Drag Queens and Porn Stars and Grinders, oh my!

In the name of research and commerce, we rolled out for an overniter in the land I call home-o, Riverside, CA. The parental abode (see left) is too tiny and over-populated by ersatz kids of the four-legged variety (exhibit A, "Yuki," to the right) to accommodate a gigglesnorting gaggle of husky lezzies and lithe andro hooves, so we decided to enlist our travel agent--aka Priceline-- to score us a room at Riverside's own "historic Mission Inn." Hey...if it's good enough for Richard and Pat Nixon's wedding, it's good enough for a fab "don't call us homo-normy, we're homo-smarmy" foursome apres outlets and queer clubs.

My dad has a regular Thurs-Sat jazz trio gig at the Mission Inn's Presidential Lounge, despite the fact that he's a yellow-dawg Democrat, and Republican presidents are notoriously overrepresented in the presidential portrait gallery flanking the lounge, with the notable exception of JFK. This past weekend, howevs, daddy-o took time off to entertain my Uncle Lee, visiting from Vancouver, B.C. where he's lived since conscientiously objecting to the Vietnam War (that's dodging the draft in jingo-speak). In short, we had the M.I. decked out in all of its gaudy animatronic holiday splendour all to ourselves that night...or so we thought...
(Below: note the noir-ish pool view from our room)

Earlier in the day, our I.E. adventures began when Kangagi and I converged with Mr. and Mrs. Trollito, and fueled up for what was to be a late afternoon of torrid Cabazon consumption at one of the Riv's finest homegrown eateries, D'Elias Grinders. Anyone who's ever spent more than 24 consecutive hours in the Riv knows about this place situated between UCR and downtown. One of the few sincere connections I had with one of my profs in grad skool at Berkeley came about because of D'Elias reminiscences. She came from the Riv (rare for an academic), she went to my high-school (even rarer), and talked about craving D'Elias daily (not so rare).

As Mr. Trollito remarked while we were cruising across town, she was charmed by the resillience of numerous mom and pop shops in Riverside, an observation often lost in the standard scholarly and journo rhetoric about the stripmalling of southern California's suburbs and exurbs. All it took was a casual jaunt down Magnolia, Market and Uni Aves in Mrs. Trollito's zippy black Mini to bring this point home. We spied premium views of places like the Thunderbird Lodge and Skylark Motel on Uni Ave (both outlasted the ill-fated Hampton Inn, my very own high-school "party pad" where we'd fill the bathtub with bottles of Bartles & Jaymes), and unassuming joints like the family-owned Zacatecas Mexican Restaurant (best mariscos in the Riv), as well as the Kawa Market on Magnolia and Bandini--the first Asian market I ever knew in So. Cal. Kawa is basically a small wood house converted during the early '50s into an Asian convenience shop.

D'Elias Grinders is another one of these mom and pop joints. Founded by a group of Italian brothers in 1959, D'Elias firm yet flaky fresh bread, baked daily on the premises, is nothing short of "sekshual" to use the Trolls' term of endearment. Kangagi and Mrs. Troll were adventurous and sampled the hot meatball sub and BLT grinder, respectively, while Mr. Troll and I stuck to the house classic--the capacolla with everything on it, including the potent, powdery red chili you sprinkle yourself from the mammoth plastic shaker attached with a hefty chain to the condiment station. Yeah-yuh! It had me D'Elias dancing my way out of the joint.

I'll spare the details of our shopping trip, since Cabazon is beyond the borders of the I.E. proper. "All-season Marc Jacobs seersucker" is all I have to say.

No trip to the I.E. is complete without a check-in with the parentals, and they were kind enough to invite all of us for a late evening re-fuel, family-chain style, at Ye Olde Spaghetti Factory where the Trolls were introduced to the exotic pleasures of mizithra cheese and free spumoni. Fonts of trivia that my dad and uncle are (L-R: Mom, Dad, Uncle Lee sipping scotch in profile), we learned at dinner that the Spaghetti Factory chain was actually founded by Guss Dussin, a retired psychotherapist who originally practiced in Vancouver, B.C. It turns out Mr. Dussin didn't only have a penchant for pasta: he was also a prescient proto-gentrifier whose success as a spaghetti mogul had as much to do with his "flipping" of abandoned historic warehouse spaces (mostly in blighted downtowns like Portland, OR the site of the first Spaghetti Factory), as with his creative applications of mizithra and creamy pesto. To keep overhead costs low, Dussin enlisted his wife to redecorate these massive warehouses with thrift store antiques and collectibles, foreshadowing with his chain of family restaurants what we now refer to in creative class parlance as Bo-Bo, or "Bourgeois-Boheme" shabby chic.

Indeed, Riverside's Spaghetti Factory is a restored citrus packing plant in a formerly dodgy patch of downtown near the train tracks, pre-Mission Inn rehab and before a fervent citrus heritage revivalism fully seized the city. Now Riverside's Old Spaghetti Factory is designated as a landmark in the City of Riverside's redevelopment plan to convert other historic spaces in the surrounding area. (L-R: Kangagi and Mrs. Troll sinking with spaghetti while Mr. Troll's just burnin' doin' Mizithra dance).

We quickly transitioned from pasta to porn after a brief digestive respite and costume change in our M.I. digs. Riverside's and (I need to fact-check this) purportedly the I.E.'s oldest gay bar, The Menagerie: "A Unique Lounge," was on our agenda for the night. "The Menagerie" is Riverside shorthand for "queer as a muthafucka," and though I couldn't really hang there until I turned 21 (well after I took off for college), I felt I knew the place because of local legend. Most of the insults kids spat upon the RUSD's schoolyards involved some invocation of that special place-name..."I bet you go to the MENAGERIE every night, you gaylord."

Unbeknownst to us, a local drag queen starlette named Raven was hosting a pre-Christmas spectacular with some special guests in the audience from Kelly "34FF" Madison's porn company, including Ms. Madison herself. At first the crowd was thin, literally and figuratively, with some scattered indie-hooved college girls, Abercrombie fags, and a stray cholo or two clustered near the massive bar. The Menagerie, like the Old Spaghetti Factory, is a historic space in an early 20th-century warehouse rumored to have been a former bank building. As showtime approached, the room thickened with screaming divas of all varieties--Elvis (Costello) and El Vez wannabes, homiesexual sistahs, Latino hetero-couples cruising for thirds, wizened butch fags, and of course, Kelly Madison's posse cumitatus. (Right: Raven works the stage while an admirer looks on)

After a few $8 pitchers filled with America's finest light lagers, we were rockin' our front row seats with fistfulls of dollars while dodging (or was it soliciting?) boob-grazes from Ms. Madison. (LEFT: Trollin' it up with "Mr. Kelly Madison," in the pink tie on the far left; RIGHT below: Kelly Madison and Raven toast the night's festivities). As we learned from one of Ms. Madison's minions after she busted a "hubby-and-I-are-looking-for-a-third" move on the Kangagi in the ladies room line--we may be smarmy but we're not that homo-smarmy--Kelly's porn company is based in Corona, CA, another I.E. spot on the cusp of the O.C. called out by the show, The O.C., as a shady spot populated by boozers who might be best described as "poor man's Matt Dillon." See Season 1.

Kelly specializes in "titty-fucking" and hardcore scenarios with her "all natural" 34FF breastuses, but mostly she's an entrepreneur who boasts "DVD quality" downloads from her website for reasonable monthly subscription rates. This apparently keeps her and her entire company (coincidentally booked at the Mission Inn that same night) clad in LOTS of Cabazon Gucci. Kelly's husband, who looks a lot like a latter-day Shadoe Stevens, the top-40 DJ best known to Inland Emperors and Empresses as "Fred Rated" from the Federated TV commericals, is her primary partner onscreen as well as off. (Monsieur "Madison" strikes a pose to the left).

The true stars of the show, of course, were the drag queen divas of the I.E. Their performances were driven by a sort of urgency I haven't seen in awhile, especially in some of the big-city revues that don't seem to encourage as much paw-y audience mingling, and offer little sympathy for performers with heftier backsides. (RIGHT: Ladies, give yourselves a hand). The set-list was eclectic to say the least, with some strong moves and sweaty writhing to Avenue D's "2D2F," followed-up with a requisite I.E. nod to Depeche Mode and a wet n wild Def Leppard finale..."Pour Some Sugar On Meh....."
Hoarse with enthusiasm and drained of all our singles (we noticed KM's crew were droppin' Jacksons instead of Washingtons), we managed to fumble our way to the indoor/outdoor patio after the show, where we tried our best to absorb all the BL's and free MGD's courtesy of Ms. Madison's minions with the Menage's house popcorn. I'll spare the details of how we got our groove on (I'll let the pictures paint a thousand words), but I do want to send a shout out to the Menage's bouncer, Rambo, a sweet and charming dude beneath an intimidatingly beefy Brooklyn exterior (see below). He tried to explain how he landed in the Riv to sweep up the spilled popcorn on the Menagerie patio (Rambo: "It's a great paying gig and they treat me good"), but most of that explanation was lost in the excitement over his revalation that his true baby is something called ExtravaGangsta Radio, an internet radio station featuring hip-hop and reggaeton by undiscovered artists, with some experimental sounds, rare cuts and preview tracks from mega-acts like Diddy, Kanye, Sean Paul, etc. for good measure.

The stumble home was truly precious, if mostly because we only had to walk about a block through downtown Riv. In what must be an I.E. first, we managed NOT to have to drive drunk. Also, in a shocking stroke of kismet surely to be filed under the "blessings can be curses" category, one of the porn couples was booked in the room next door. We already jokingly insisted on the "silence is golden" rule when we discovered this while hob-nobbing with the pair at the Menage, but drunken deals don't hold, so we were treated to the refrains, first of fighting:
W: "You're nothing but a big loser!"
M: "Don't call me a loser, bitch. I'm not a loser!" [door slam]
[door re-opens]
M: "I love you baby,"
W: "Oh baby..."
And then...well, you know...(moan, grunt, headboard, shriek, etc.) With all of us sharing a room for our overnite gaycation, the shrieks of excitement emanating from our space were reserved exclusively for the 24 hour room service and our apres clubbing club sammiches. (Right: Mr. Trollito misses out on our version of an after-hours club).

The next morning was pleasantly uneventful--we sauntered to the pool with our lesbo appropriate sporty swimming attire, and narrowly avoided a morning booze relapse into mimosas and bloody marys. We only frightened a few unaccompanied euro-children playing in the jacuzzi along the way. Yeah-yuh! To paraphrase the Go-Go's: Gaycation all I ever wanted...gaycation had to get away...
I suppose sometimes gaycation also means coming home(o).